when you've had a better day than yesterday

successfuly done with the first week of classes. actually, i was done yesterday but i was too tired to write anything. sadly, it wasn't fatigue from school. it was fatigue from being me. from obsessing about stupid shit and about every little other thing besides school. classes themselves were good. it's a little annoying that the one class i was most looking forward to (my two dimensional design class) is full of kids that really don't want to be there but i'm sure it'll get better as the weeks go by.

yesterday was beautiful. it's really beginning to feel like spring. it's been pouring all day today and it's supposed to be back to freezing weather this weekend, but at least i had yesterday. yesterday during the day it felt like my head was clear and focused. like things were going in the right direction even though i didn't exactly know what direction that is. usually i can judge what kind of day it'll be when i exit the backdoor of my apartment building. yesterday i opened that big metal door and the sunlight and warm air hit me in the face and things seemed like they were right.

today was just rain. and to be honest, i never left my apartment. it's at least not freezing because i've got the windows open. but the problem is is that i've got my head all open too. it's not focused on what it should be focused on and it's got all this other junk just swirling around in there. just not the stuff that it should have swirling around in there like school. it's got stupid crushes in there. i honestly hate dating. i hate every part of it. why? because i can go months and months and months of being completely okay with myself and being with myself. and then in pops this crush and all that goes to hell. i get obsessive and neurotic.

the worst is when it just feels like i might explode from all the crap racing through me. or when i just wanna light the fuse and blast off. because what do you do with that? i mean, it doesn't even really make sense.

maybe none of this really makes sense. actually, i think it does make sense. i think that feeling of wanting to blast off comes from wanting to be a blip on somone's radar. wanting someone to get even a fraction of the neurotic i get. wanting someone to understand that i want to be alone and together at the same time. that sometimes i'm so human that i could explode. someone to show a little fire for me. someone to show up in the pouring rain just to see how the first week of school went. to just show a little explosion of their own.

so human:

01. yeah yeah yeahs - zero

02. sohodolls - i'm not cool

03. cast of spring awakening - the bitch of living

04. phantom planet - do the panic

05. black kids - love me already

06. peter bjorn and john - let's call it off

07. lady sovereign - so human

08. hot chip - ready for the fall (smoothed out on an r'n'b tip version)

09. maria mena - sorry

10. maggie gyllenhaal - i can't wait

11. kelly clarkson - all i ever wanted

12. kate walsh - tonight

13. shivaree - i will go quietly

14. broken social scene - i'm still your fag

15. grizzly bear - on a neck, on a spit

16. lenka - trouble is a friend

17. belle & sebastian - the blues are still blue

fly around in circles

it's almost amazing how sometimes you can go and royally screw everything up, isn't it? like, you were just truckin right along and all of a sudden you realize that everything around you in in almost complete chaos. what's worse is when you realize that you put yourself in that position.

i start school in less than a week. it seems like it's been forever i've been waiting for this to happen but now that it's here i'm doubting everything. what if i just screw it up again like i did ten years ago? what if i never find a damn job and i have to drop out and i lose my apartment and i end up even further in debt because i made this choice to go back to school? and what if i can't hack this accelerated coarse load and burn out before everything is said and done?

right now the only thing i know for sure is that i have entirely too much time on my hands. the first few weeks after not working i was still getting up early in the morning, still going about my day and still doing projects. now i'm lucky if i'm up before eleven and sometimes it's a major accomplishment to even shower and get dressed. i even lie and tell everyone that everything is great and i'm using my time to figure out what i want to do and how i'm going to handle school. what's worse is that in the past three days i've picked fights with both my mom and the kentucky krush for no reason whatsoever. my brain has been cycling through things non-stop and it's definitely starting to crack around the edges.

it's just that i always seem to get into this rut. this place where i feel like i'm always trusting my gut and always watching this go wrong because of it. where i let myself rip my heart right out and wear it out right on my sleeve and wonder why i always have so much damn dirty shirts. chasing after some idea or some feeling or some plan or some him.

i'm just waiting for that moment to come to me. that moment when the supporting character has this epiphany and realizes it's their time to spin off onto their own hour-long drama. when the decisions don't seem so hard to make and the self-doubt subsides. i think i just need to be so busy that my head slows down a little bit and has to focus on one thing at a time instead of a million different things whizzing around. and i need to clean my apartment. it's a wreck.

chasing pavements:

01. ani difranco - you had time

02. patrick park - something pretty

03. duffy - hanging on too long

04. duncan sheik - out of order

05. adele - chasing pavements

06. joseph arthur - even tho

07. pete yorn - same thing

08. aimee mann - little tornado

09. kate walsh - tonight

10. the weepies - old coyote

11. jeremy fisher - goodbye blue monday