fly around in circles

it's almost amazing how sometimes you can go and royally screw everything up, isn't it? like, you were just truckin right along and all of a sudden you realize that everything around you in in almost complete chaos. what's worse is when you realize that you put yourself in that position.

i start school in less than a week. it seems like it's been forever i've been waiting for this to happen but now that it's here i'm doubting everything. what if i just screw it up again like i did ten years ago? what if i never find a damn job and i have to drop out and i lose my apartment and i end up even further in debt because i made this choice to go back to school? and what if i can't hack this accelerated coarse load and burn out before everything is said and done?

right now the only thing i know for sure is that i have entirely too much time on my hands. the first few weeks after not working i was still getting up early in the morning, still going about my day and still doing projects. now i'm lucky if i'm up before eleven and sometimes it's a major accomplishment to even shower and get dressed. i even lie and tell everyone that everything is great and i'm using my time to figure out what i want to do and how i'm going to handle school. what's worse is that in the past three days i've picked fights with both my mom and the kentucky krush for no reason whatsoever. my brain has been cycling through things non-stop and it's definitely starting to crack around the edges.

it's just that i always seem to get into this rut. this place where i feel like i'm always trusting my gut and always watching this go wrong because of it. where i let myself rip my heart right out and wear it out right on my sleeve and wonder why i always have so much damn dirty shirts. chasing after some idea or some feeling or some plan or some him.

i'm just waiting for that moment to come to me. that moment when the supporting character has this epiphany and realizes it's their time to spin off onto their own hour-long drama. when the decisions don't seem so hard to make and the self-doubt subsides. i think i just need to be so busy that my head slows down a little bit and has to focus on one thing at a time instead of a million different things whizzing around. and i need to clean my apartment. it's a wreck.

chasing pavements:

01. ani difranco - you had time

02. patrick park - something pretty

03. duffy - hanging on too long

04. duncan sheik - out of order

05. adele - chasing pavements

06. joseph arthur - even tho

07. pete yorn - same thing

08. aimee mann - little tornado

09. kate walsh - tonight

10. the weepies - old coyote

11. jeremy fisher - goodbye blue monday