learning to fly

i feel like spring has finally arrived. the days are getting longer and the trees are growing back their leaves. when you live in chicago, spring is a rebirth. a reminder of why you live in this godforsaken city in the first place. patios open their gates for outdoor dining and drinking and people seem to be a little friendlier than they have in a while.

the past couple months have sucked. aside from being unemployed, these have been trying times indeed. living in one of the most expensive cities in the country without any income isn't fun and i've thought about fleeing more than a few times. unemployment has been a nightmare. i think that they make it as convoluted and difficult as they possibly can so that people who need it get so frustrated that they just give up. also, i believe that the great state of illinois is corrupt.

mikey moved to arizona a few weeks ago with his boyfriend, jacob. it's almost like one day they were here and the next they were gone. just like that. i'd really had more than a year to get used to mikey leaving. this whole past year has been an experiment in growing apart and, to be honest, i've never really taken any responsibility for my part in that. i spent so much time being hurt and sad and angry that he was essentially gone that i never allowed him to show me the new person he was becoming. i went to his and jacob's place about a week before they moved to spend some time with him and help him pack a little. he has this vase that he keeps all this bracelets and buttons and necklaces and stuff in and he dumped it out on the floor to go through it all. there on that carpet laid the past ten years of friendship. tokens of nights out and walks through stores and countless repeats of sex and the city. and for all the tears i cried when we said goodbye and he drove away, i realized that for him to live his life with jacob, he had to leave.

being unemployed has allowed me to do one thing, though. i've spent the past couple months redecorating my apartment and it's just about finished. when i decided to resign my lease, i knew that i needed a change. the place had been the same dark colors for almost four years and i was tired of living in a cave. sage green and dark cavern don't exactly make you wanna jump outta bed in the middle of february and start your day. so now the place is caribbean sea blue and chocolate sprinkle. i now have the gayest apartment in the building i'm sure but i haven't spent a full day in bed since i painted which was the goal. i'm also thinking of naming my apartment. something grand that truly conveys the destination spot that it is. i'm thinking of stealing the name from lolene's album that's coming out this summer - "the electrick hotel" - but i'd drop the k. "where are you headed after this?" "the electric hotel."

i guess the best part of this spring, though, is the fact that i'm still here. that i haven't quit. that for all that's been thrown at me these past few months, i'm still standing and ready for what's next.

fly














01 shout out louds - fall hard
02 val emmich - get on with it
03 grace potter & the nocturnals - i want something that i want
04 chairlift - bruises
05 jasmine ash - i wished for you
06 andrew belle - in your sleep
07 katie herzig - hologram
08 matthew perryman jones - breaking out the windows
09 matt hires - out of the dark
10 augustana - fire
11 sugababes - change
12 tyrone wells - sink or swim
13 train - parachute
14 gabriella cilmi - got no place to go
15 the kooks - she moves in her own way
16 onerepublic - good life
17 owl city - strawberry avalanche
18 lights - the listening
19 kate earl - learning to fly
20 maps - valium in the sunshine
21 passion pit - let your love grow tall

time battles

it's funny how time can either crawl or fly by just like that. i've been in a heated argument with time for about as long as i can remember. wanting it to just get on with it or leave me the hell alone. i've never been content with things just progressing naturally and most of the time i'll look up and it's all but left me completely behind.

i have been in school for a little over a year now and i have a little over a year left. it's still all a little hard to believe that i'm still even in school, yet here i am just about to be a junior. things started out really well to be honest. i ended my first quarter with a 4.0 and i've maintained a pretty good gpa thus far although i haven't yet hit another 4.0 quarter. last quarter was brutal and my worst to date. again, proper time management has been elusive to me. the school-life balance has been difficult for me to figure out and i'm kinda wondering if i ever will.

at the moment i'm unemployed again. the place i was working just closed up shop. that's been interesting. it would seem like i've got all this time on my hands now and i should be putting it to good use. i decided it would be a perfect time to redecorate my apartment. the winters in chicago are notorious for being incredibly gray and living in apartment with such dark colored walls didn't really help me wanting to get out of bed in the morning. i went almost with the complete opposite of what i had and went with a brighter blue so now it feels like i'm in a swimming pool. it's been a little difficult finding myself in it though and everything is completely disorganized and feels out of place. i guess that's what comes with change though. you would think that by this time in my life i'd be used to it, but it never seems to be easy for me. my whole life has been about surveying the room and looking for something i'm used to; something comfortable. and now it doesn't even fell like i have that in my own apartment.

the apartment isn't the only thing that's been changing. my social life has been turned upside down and shaken up quite a bit as well. i've actually never had a large group of close friends. even in high school i stuck to two or three other people. a little bit before and when i finally moved to chicago it felt like i had finally found a group that i belonged with. maybe it was me projecting my "sex and the city" mentality on everything, but it honestly felt like i had found friends that i'd have forever. but time has been a bitch to me again. josh moved to thailand and then san francisco. mikey started dating someone and we haven't talked about anything non-superficial in months. i know that lives change and people change, but it feels like i've been left behind. or worse, it feels like i was just fooling myself into believing those connections were real in the first place. i miss feeling like i'm a part of something.

i've never been one to make friends easily and doing so at the age of almost thirty has been even harder. i haven't felt a connection to people. maybe it's that i've been so complacent about almost everything. maybe it's because everyone i've tried to be friends with just leaves me feeling like i'm the loser trying to hang out with the cool kids.

on top of it all, dt has re-entered my life. well, as much as he's ever been a part of my life. dt is the closest thing to a mr. big as i've gotten. totally unavailable and never there except when he wants to be. i actually couldn't think of a worse time for him to show back up and i don't even know why he has. i suppose i'll keep trying to make a connection with him until i finally get tired of trying like i always have before. i always get this idea of trying to start over with him. of a re-introduction that would make either being with him or being without him easier.

i guess to me, time is like a war. i've been fighting a losing battle with it for the longest time. once in a while it'll give me a break and i've been able to live in those breaks pretty well so far. i guess until the war is over i'll keep soldiering on even though the armor has always been a little heavy.

souldier 2: firebomb














01 angels & airwaves - hallucinations
02 the boxer rebellion - spitting fire
03 vampire weekend - giving up the gun
04 the myrmidons - clap (see the stars)
05 athlete - superhuman touch
06 kate earl - jump
07 ingrid michaelson - soldier
08 ali harter - you can keep 'em
09 the republic tigers - fight song
10 the kooks - sway
11 one eskimo - givin' up
12 mateo - bad romance
13 erik hassle - love me to pieces
14 adam lambert - sleepwalker
15 rihanna - fire bomb
16 daniel merriweather - red
17 the arcade fire - cold wind
18 athlete - the getaway
19 onerepublic - marchin' on