i have been in school for a little over a year now and i have a little over a year left. it's still all a little hard to believe that i'm still even in school, yet here i am just about to be a junior. things started out really well to be honest. i ended my first quarter with a 4.0 and i've maintained a pretty good gpa thus far although i haven't yet hit another 4.0 quarter. last quarter was brutal and my worst to date. again, proper time management has been elusive to me. the school-life balance has been difficult for me to figure out and i'm kinda wondering if i ever will.
at the moment i'm unemployed again. the place i was working just closed up shop. that's been interesting. it would seem like i've got all this time on my hands now and i should be putting it to good use. i decided it would be a perfect time to redecorate my apartment. the winters in chicago are notorious for being incredibly gray and living in apartment with such dark colored walls didn't really help me wanting to get out of bed in the morning. i went almost with the complete opposite of what i had and went with a brighter blue so now it feels like i'm in a swimming pool. it's been a little difficult finding myself in it though and everything is completely disorganized and feels out of place. i guess that's what comes with change though. you would think that by this time in my life i'd be used to it, but it never seems to be easy for me. my whole life has been about surveying the room and looking for something i'm used to; something comfortable. and now it doesn't even fell like i have that in my own apartment.
the apartment isn't the only thing that's been changing. my social life has been turned upside down and shaken up quite a bit as well. i've actually never had a large group of close friends. even in high school i stuck to two or three other people. a little bit before and when i finally moved to chicago it felt like i had finally found a group that i belonged with. maybe it was me projecting my "sex and the city" mentality on everything, but it honestly felt like i had found friends that i'd have forever. but time has been a bitch to me again. josh moved to thailand and then san francisco. mikey started dating someone and we haven't talked about anything non-superficial in months. i know that lives change and people change, but it feels like i've been left behind. or worse, it feels like i was just fooling myself into believing those connections were real in the first place. i miss feeling like i'm a part of something.
i've never been one to make friends easily and doing so at the age of almost thirty has been even harder. i haven't felt a connection to people. maybe it's that i've been so complacent about almost everything. maybe it's because everyone i've tried to be friends with just leaves me feeling like i'm the loser trying to hang out with the cool kids.
on top of it all, dt has re-entered my life. well, as much as he's ever been a part of my life. dt is the closest thing to a mr. big as i've gotten. totally unavailable and never there except when he wants to be. i actually couldn't think of a worse time for him to show back up and i don't even know why he has. i suppose i'll keep trying to make a connection with him until i finally get tired of trying like i always have before. i always get this idea of trying to start over with him. of a re-introduction that would make either being with him or being without him easier.
i guess to me, time is like a war. i've been fighting a losing battle with it for the longest time. once in a while it'll give me a break and i've been able to live in those breaks pretty well so far. i guess until the war is over i'll keep soldiering on even though the armor has always been a little heavy.
souldier 2: firebomb
01 angels & airwaves - hallucinations
02 the boxer rebellion - spitting fire
03 vampire weekend - giving up the gun
04 the myrmidons - clap (see the stars)
05 athlete - superhuman touch
06 kate earl - jump
07 ingrid michaelson - soldier
08 ali harter - you can keep 'em
09 the republic tigers - fight song
10 the kooks - sway
11 one eskimo - givin' up
12 mateo - bad romance
13 erik hassle - love me to pieces
14 adam lambert - sleepwalker
15 rihanna - fire bomb
16 daniel merriweather - red
17 the arcade fire - cold wind
18 athlete - the getaway
19 onerepublic - marchin' on
Posts
