it's all worth waiting for

i met the kentucky krush about a year ago when he was here in chicago for a visit. he was in a relationship that was pretty complicated and tricky, but we somehow managed to stay in contact through facebook and instant messenger and texting and calling. i honestly never really thought we'd actually physically see eachother again, so it was a pleasant surprise when he told me that he'd be on vacation at the end of january and he was coming up to chicago again if i still wanted to spend time together.

i picked him up at the airport last saturday and we were together for a week. we didn't really do a lot of activities because it's been pretty ass-cold all week and i don't have a job to really pay for a lot of stuff. he assured me over and over that he really was just there to spend time with me and get to know me better and that he didn't care about doing this or doing that.

the whole thing was really simple actually. it all just felt really natural to me and nothing was forced and we just enjoyed eachothers' company. i loved having him here really. it was nice to have someone to talk to besides the cat. and he even tamed the him! that cat is mean to everyone and there he was rubbing up on his leg and letting him pet and play with him. he had me laughing the whole time and just wishing the week would go on forever and he wouldn't have to leave. kentucky krush is humble and gentle and sweet and funny and caring and somewhere in this week i fell for him. hard.

i found myself just relaxing and i really only got neurotic and in my head a few times, but i suppose that's natural. he was so easy-going the whole time.

the goodbye at the airport hurt. my stomach has been in knots all day and i miss him already. i have no idea what's going to happen now that our lives are going to go back to normal and we won't be together. my head says that things will move on and that'll be that, but my heart's all tied up around a boy that lives six hours away. and the only thing i want to do now is be back laying in bed with him where our bodies just fit together. the apartment feels extremely cold and lonely and it's killin me.

i suppose that this has all served as a reminder that there's still a heart beating in my chest after all and that i'm still able to fall for someone and not be so totally guarded. i wouldn't trade this past week to give up the knoted stomach at all though. i'd go through a lifetime of knoted stomachs to be with him.


back to me:
01. maria taylor - song beneath the song
02. seabird - falling for you
03. howie day - brace yourself
04. kings of leon - manhattan
05. black kids - hurricane jane
06. the kooks - sway
07. augustana - stars and boulevards
08. paul weller - thinking of you
09. rosie thomas - since you've been around
10. jon foreman - the cure for pain
11. maria taylor - time lapse lifeline
12. the all-american rejects - back to me
13. a fine frenzy - ashes and wine
14. linda ronstadt - kate
15. toad the wet sprocket - windmills
16. stereophonics - you're my star

i was always set to self-destruct though.

so a lot can happen in a month. right now i feel like one of those tv show episodes where it picks up a month after it left off the previous episode and you have to solve the mystery of what happened off-screen in that month.

i didn't really intend to be "gone" for that long. it just kind of happened. it's snowing a little outside and it's really windy. one of those winds that just blows in every direction and it's just a mass of swirling white. i feel like that snow right now in this moment. just kinda loose out there trying to make it to the ground.

the holidays were a bit of a blur. they went really quick and i don't think that i even realized they were here and gone until a couple days ago. i've never liked christmas because bad things always seemed to happen around christmas in my family when i was younger. but this year i really did try to just enjoy it for what it was - time with my mom and my brother. unfortunately, my exhaustion from working so much caught up with me and we ended up arguing like we haven't in a long time. i picked fights and i don't even know why. the only thing i really do know is that it felt like i couldn't breathe the whole time. not literally, but mentally. emotionally. i just felt trapped the whole time.

new year's was ... interesting. i lost my job. right there on new year's eve. crazy, eh? maybe that's why i felt so out of it the whole month of december. because i maybe knew it was coming. the thought of thinking about it again now is exhausting. it was just stupid salon politics and when you're not the boss, you lose your job. sometimes when i try to wrap my head around it all, i forget that it really is just as simple as that. i had to stop thinking about it. what was i really expecting anyway? to start a revolution in the beauty industry? get real. that industry is fucked.

school, however, is going full-speed ahead. well, maybe not as "full-speed" as i'd like it to, but still chugging right along. a few days into january i was set up for my financial aid meeting and i really really really didn't wanna go. i didn't want to hear them tell me that there was no way i could go to school without having the money to pay for it. honestly, i was just terrified to be disappointed again by myself. i've figured out that's what i've been the most scared of this whole time. with everything. that i seriously can't stand to let myself down again.

it worked out though! because i'm older and listed as an independant, i got more free money. so, naturally, i just want to start now now now but the new quarter doesn't start until near the end of february. and i'll be going for two straight years, no breaks. what was that about exhaustion?

so now i'm just kind of in a waiting game. watching a lot of hgtv and food network and reruns of house on usa. the earlier seasons - i don't really care for the newer ones. lots of projects around the apartment too. i've repainted the bathroom window, deep-cleaned everything and even squeezed in a failed attempt to hook my ipod up to my tv.

so that's what happened in the month-long hiatus. it feels like so much less when it's written down doesn't it?

self-destruct buttons:
01. snow patrol - if there's a rocket, tie me to it
02. the republic tigers - fight song
03. lily allen - the fear
04. cary brothers - the last one
05. headlights - everybody needs a fence to lean on
06. bon iver - skinny love
07. the kooks - sway
08. jon foreman - the cure for pain
09. glass pear - last day of your life
10. the poems - ballad of a bitter end
11. the weepies - can't go back now
12. love and rockets - no new tale to tell
13. the bravery - believe