good intentions

it's been a busy couple of weeks. i've been working on a few different projects for different people, so having much time for anything else has been a little difficult to come by. i'm a procrastinator, so the projects kind of just piled up and piled up and now i'm trying to cram everything in.

it's been snowing all day here. non-stop and it's really starting to stick. we're supposed to get about four inches, which i know isn't that much, but it's enough to send the city into a tizzy. traffic is horrible and the buses and trains are packed. what's funny is i don't really hate it as much i usually hate the first snow. snow has always meant that spring and summer are so far away. especially in chicago. but this winter is bringing new things with it. new outlooks on life and new experiences, so i'm kind of excited about it. i'm sure i'll be singing a different tune after two weeks.

i was home in milwaukee a couple weeks ago. it's funny how i refer to milwaukee as home even though i didn't grow up there. i lived there from the time i was twenty two until i was twenty six, so i figure i can claim it as home because i did a lot of growing there. as more time passes, though, i remember living there less and less. i guess that happens.

i ran into this guy that i briefly dated a long time ago and all these feelings and thoughts came rushing back to me. and i realized that i thought about it quite a bit, actually. and about how things had ended rather abruptly. i was in a very strange place in my life and didn't feel comfortable being in a relationship with anyone. at the time i don't really think he understood what i meant. even now i feel like i never should have let him go. but i know that i couldn't have faked what i was going through personally to be with a great guy. so when i saw him i felt compelled to tell him that i thought about him often and was happy to see that he looked happy. he said the same and like that one of my ghosts was released.

unfortunately i thought that trying to same process on a guy that i dated over the summer might have the same effects. actually, i'm lying. the summer guy was impossible. and i thought maybe that if i got the chance to say what i wanted to say all along, things would somehow change. that somehow the skies would open and that beam of light would finally fall on me and the angels would sing and he would finally realize that i was the one that he wanted to be with and he would stop being a jerk and apologize for wasting so much time. i would tell him that my often-dramatic outbursts weren't really all that dramatic because there were reasons for the behind it all. how i felt that whenever i was with him it felt like the last time i'd see him. how i tried to cram everything into those small moments of time because i always thought he'd be gone the next day for good.

the only response i got to that was "ahh." which is, in fact, a non-response. what does that even mean? i'll tell you what i means. nothing. it means nothing. it's not the response i wanted and it's probably not even the response that i needed to hear. but it is the response that i needed to give up. and that's what i've finally done. hopefully. but there's that small sliver of my heart still holding onto the image of us walking towards eachother in the driving snow and spending every moment from then on together. hey, a boy doesn't change overnight.

i guess what i mean by all of this is that sometimes those things just need to be said. sometimes they need to be said to the person you want to say them to and in a perfect world you're both left satisfied. sometimes you're not satisfied and that sucks. and sometimes you just need to say them to yourself and move the fuck on as hard as that can be. hopefully it'll change things in your head and give you a little peace and quiet.

also, i got accepted to school yesterday. huzzah!

now i just have to figure out a way to pay for it. all in good time.

when we're done soul searching:
01. audioslave - i am the highway
02. allred - a long december
04. maria taylor - song beneath the song
05. sarah mclachlan - witness
06. jon foreman - the cure for pain
07. unkle bob - swans
08. sia - i go to sleep
09. the cardigans - feathers and down
11. kanye west - street lights
10. thriving ivory - our december

take a chance you stupid ho

so i officially applied for school on monday. i have to admit that it's probably one of the most terrifying things i've done in recent memory. in the twenty minutes that i waited to meet with an admissions councelor, it took everything i had to stay planted in the seat. a couple times i had to fight the urge to just throw my application and fee right at the desk and flee.

so many things could go wrong between now and then. i could maybe not get accepted. i never was a stellar student and once they recieve those high school transcripts, no matter how long ago it was, they'll know that. i still don't know how i'm even going to afford this whole venture. i can barely pay rent as it is and i get overwhelmed very easily. what's going to happen when i'm having to work fulltime and go to classes fulltime? and most importantly, what if i have absolutely no talent at all and i make a complete and total fool out of myself in front of a bunch of people ten years younger than me?

there's a sort of comfort in suffering, isn't there? a familiarity that i've settle into. going out and bettering myself doesn't come naturally and so the thought of moving out there into the unknown scares the shit out of me. the fact that it's taken me this long to do it is evidence of that. plus, i'm lazy. even now, writing doesn't come as naturally as it did years ago. it's slow and sluggish and doesn't flow like i imagine it to.

for all this, i'm still very excited. i want to start this new chapter. i want to get out of the salon, i want to move on. i'm desperate for something new. i need something new. the prospect of learning new things and meeting new people is something that i haven't had for a long time.

the new year is coming and changes are on their way. i haven't always been a fan of change, but now is different. now it's the only thing that's going to work. or i'll crash and burn but at least it'll be something different.

why are you standing in one place?:
01. the submarines - you, me and the bourgeoisie
02. the blue van - silly boy
03. lykke li - i'm good, i'm gone
04. jenny lewis - carpetbaggers
05. gwen stefani - what you waiting for?
06. the killers - read my mind
07. coldplay - life in technicolor 2
08. mgmt - kids
09. lykke li - breaking it up
10. the bravery - believe

just a little bit

everyone knows that the cornerstone of the mixtape community is a healthy dose of angst. and at the heart of any angst worth having is the crush.

i like to think of myself as a little bit of a crush expert. the sweaty palms, the flushed cheeks, the stuttering - i get it all. there's truly a twelve-year old teeny-bopper school girl inside me. and in high school i had the tiger beat posters on the wall to prove it.

more often than not, these crushes go nowhere. the bar-crush moves on to another job; the bus-crush stops taking that route; you stop seeing your everywhere guy everywhere. the moments on tv where two strangers bump into eachother at the super market and fall in love doesn't happen. believe me, i've tried.

the worst crush, though, is the straight crush. all gay guys know one of their straight guy friends who indulges them in a little flirtation. it's great as long as you remember that flirtation is all it is. even if the guy is looking to do a little experimentation, it's prolly best to steer clear and let him try it on someone else. you'll either be left hurt because he'll realize that he truly is straight, or he'll figure out he's gay and everyone knows that things never work out with new gays.

it also sucks when you start finding out more about your crush. gays in chicago are plentiful. but it's also a little game of six degrees of seperation. everyone pretty much knows everyone through someone else. so it can sometimes happen that your crush is friends with someone you don't like. and we all know how that can taint a crush.

i love crushes, though. the excitment that you'll see them. the butterflies they cause. the "is he flirting or not?" questions. i love it all. dating, however, is a different story. i hate dating. dating isn't fun and i usually turn into that crazy-eyed-why-didn't-you-call-me?!-person. i don't really even know why. i hate talking on the phone.

on another note, school starts in february.

little bits:
01. matt duke - sex and reruns
02. the blue van - silly boy
03. colbie caillet - realize
04. matt wertz - everything's right
05. joshua radin f. ingrid michaelson - sky
06. lykke li - little bit
07. lenka - don't let me fall
08. meiko - boys with girlfriends
09. snow patrol - crack the shutters
10. james morrison - nothing ever hurt like you
11. kings of leon - sex on fire
12. love and rockets - no new tale to tell
13. lykke li - i'm good, i'm gone
14. sia - soon we'll be found
15. the weepies - all good things

someplace where all is clear

i think the worst part of war is that you can often lose sight of the people that have been on your side from the beginning. sometimes you can feel so much pressure and so much hostility and negativity that it starts to feel like everyone is against you and there couldn't possibly be anyone who's there for you through it all.

i railed against the tv today while watching the view. (don't judge, you know you watch it too.) sherri shephard and her "it's in the bible that being gay is wrong" outta one side of her mouth and then talking about whoring around before she was married outta the other. it's all very hypocritical. if you're going to use parts of the bible in your defense of anything, you have to stick to everything. you can't just pick and choose.

sometimes i just feel so out of control, though, that i can't stop myself before hitting the brick wall. and even when i'm right, i often go blind to what i'm fighting for and about. its just hard to exhale when you're always trying to catch your breath.

i have an ally in the white house now and so going forward that's what i'm going to do. rather than always be focused on my opponents, i'm going to start identifying my allies. i think it's something we all should do a lot more of.

wondering through this life:
01. bonnie raitt - one belief away
02. roseanne cash - the world unseen
03. coldplay - lost!
04. the five stairsteps - ooh child
05. sheryl crow - always on your side
06. eliane elias - running
07. kt tunstall - white bird
08. tift merritt - broken
09. the blind boys of alabama - i shall not walk alone
10. joe purdy - wash away (reprise)

everybody's waiting for something better

this morning i got up very early to go out and vote. it only took about forty minutes and when i got done there wasn't even a line anymore.

i'm not very political. any discussion that i get in about politics doesn't really last more than five or ten minutes in length and usually includes me declaring anyone who doesn't vote for barack a moron or a racist.

i know that that's extreme and i really just say it more for shock value. although i really do feel like race has played a large role in this campaign even though everyone has been tip-toeing aroud it. i feel like this election isn't just about change, it's about time. it's time that a minority was elected into the white house. it's time that some old white republican wasn't put in charge of everything having to do with my life. no, i'm not black. but it's time i was able to look at washington and see someone who i can identify with.

ultimately, this election isn't just about the two men running. it's about moving this country in a different and new and fresh direction. about moving this country into the present. how amazing is it that the people of this country have all come out and voted and campaigned like never before? it shows that people aren't just going to sit there and let the world pass them by. that we're going to demand more from the peope we elect into office and our positions of leadership.

i voted for barack because he can unite people. he inspires me. he's shown me that politics can be passionate and personal and dignified. that the american dream really does work. there really is a reason we don't all just pack up and move to canada.

it's a gorgeous day here in chicago and i can't help but believe that there's a reason for that. a reason that it's seventy degrees in november. (besides global warming.) there's almost this completely united feeling in the city today. something i really haven't felt in a while. there have been really tragic and horrible things going on over the past months and i really hope it's one of those "darkest before the dawn" situations. and i hope that come tomorrow there will be a new dawn on the horizon.

better things:
01. coldplay - life in technicolor
02. garbage - parade
03. john mayer - waiting on the world to change
04. sheryl crow - shine over babylon
05. holly williams - everybody's waiting for a change
06. nina simone - ooh child (nickodemus remix)
07. coldplay - viva la vida
08. sheryl crow - detours
09. snow patrol - take back the city
10. u2 - beautiful day

it's a mess. it's a start. it's a flawed work of art.

i've never been good at prologues.

it's been a little over two years since i moved to the city. it still doesn't feel like i actually live here. i've always been bad with directions and i mainly stick to the streets that i know. the ones that get me from home to work or up and down the gay strip. i always tell myself that today i will seize the day and step out and get a grasp on the reasons i moved here. something always seems to come up though and i'm left just coasting. don't get me wrong, i do love this city. it did take me a while, but i really do love it now.

i dated a few different boys in the past two years here. mostly the wrong ones that turned out to be assholes. one or two that just seemed to never be in the same book as me let alone on the same page. life is like that though, i suppose. it's probably because i base too much of my life on television. and because i make too many mixtapes. they're really mix cds, but mixtapes sounds more endearing. or cliché. probably the latter. i can barely go to the bathroom without my ipod. people at work love it. i think boys i like think it's weird. i refuse to give up on the dream of making that grand gesture while a snow patrol song plays in the background though. i know it's out there.

tomorrow i will force myself to go look at a school. i don't even know what i'm dragging my feet for. school is step one in realizing my dream of becoming a work-from-home freelancer. i still don't exactly know what that means but it's more appealing than another year at the salon. i do know for sure that the 'grand-gesture-snow-patrol' dream won't happen until i'm out of there at least. or maybe it will. you never know when those moments can happen. that's the glory of the grand gesture.

the cat got a bath today. after it, he jumped out of the tub all soaking wet and just looked thoroughly miserable. "it's a new day, trick," i said. school tomorrow and i'm not sure what after that. claiming life seems like a good place to start.

flawed works of art:
01. joshua james - today
02. republic tigers - buildings & mountains
03. ingrid michaelson - be ok
04. matt duke - sex and reruns
05. emiliana torrini - big jumps
06. lenka - the show
07. joshua radin f. patty griffin - you got growing up to do
08. ben folds f. regina spektor - you don't know me
09. chairlift - bruises
10. snow patrol - take back the city