i didn't really intend to be "gone" for that long. it just kind of happened. it's snowing a little outside and it's really windy. one of those winds that just blows in every direction and it's just a mass of swirling white. i feel like that snow right now in this moment. just kinda loose out there trying to make it to the ground.
the holidays were a bit of a blur. they went really quick and i don't think that i even realized they were here and gone until a couple days ago. i've never liked christmas because bad things always seemed to happen around christmas in my family when i was younger. but this year i really did try to just enjoy it for what it was - time with my mom and my brother. unfortunately, my exhaustion from working so much caught up with me and we ended up arguing like we haven't in a long time. i picked fights and i don't even know why. the only thing i really do know is that it felt like i couldn't breathe the whole time. not literally, but mentally. emotionally. i just felt trapped the whole time.
new year's was ... interesting. i lost my job. right there on new year's eve. crazy, eh? maybe that's why i felt so out of it the whole month of december. because i maybe knew it was coming. the thought of thinking about it again now is exhausting. it was just stupid salon politics and when you're not the boss, you lose your job. sometimes when i try to wrap my head around it all, i forget that it really is just as simple as that. i had to stop thinking about it. what was i really expecting anyway? to start a revolution in the beauty industry? get real. that industry is fucked.
school, however, is going full-speed ahead. well, maybe not as "full-speed" as i'd like it to, but still chugging right along. a few days into january i was set up for my financial aid meeting and i really really really didn't wanna go. i didn't want to hear them tell me that there was no way i could go to school without having the money to pay for it. honestly, i was just terrified to be disappointed again by myself. i've figured out that's what i've been the most scared of this whole time. with everything. that i seriously can't stand to let myself down again.
it worked out though! because i'm older and listed as an independant, i got more free money. so, naturally, i just want to start now now now but the new quarter doesn't start until near the end of february. and i'll be going for two straight years, no breaks. what was that about exhaustion?
so now i'm just kind of in a waiting game. watching a lot of hgtv and food network and reruns of house on usa. the earlier seasons - i don't really care for the newer ones. lots of projects around the apartment too. i've repainted the bathroom window, deep-cleaned everything and even squeezed in a failed attempt to hook my ipod up to my tv.
so that's what happened in the month-long hiatus. it feels like so much less when it's written down doesn't it?
self-destruct buttons:01. snow patrol - if there's a rocket, tie me to it
02. the republic tigers - fight song
03. lily allen - the fear
04. cary brothers - the last one
05. headlights - everybody needs a fence to lean on
06. bon iver - skinny love
07. the kooks - sway
08. jon foreman - the cure for pain
09. glass pear - last day of your life
10. the poems - ballad of a bitter end
11. the weepies - can't go back now
12. love and rockets - no new tale to tell
13. the bravery - believe
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