mixtapes

learning to fly

2010-04-17T14:25:00.001-07:00

i feel like spring has finally arrived. the days are getting longer and the trees are growing back their leaves. when you live in chicago, spring is a rebirth. a reminder of why you live in this godforsaken city in the first place. patios open their gates for outdoor dining and drinking and people seem to be a little friendlier than they have in a while.

the past couple months have sucked. aside from being unemployed, these have been trying times indeed. living in one of the most expensive cities in the country without any income isn't fun and i've thought about fleeing more than a few times. unemployment has been a nightmare. i think that they make it as convoluted and difficult as they possibly can so that people who need it get so frustrated that they just give up. also, i believe that the great state of illinois is corrupt.

mikey moved to arizona a few weeks ago with his boyfriend, jacob. it's almost like one day they were here and the next they were gone. just like that. i'd really had more than a year to get used to mikey leaving. this whole past year has been an experiment in growing apart and, to be honest, i've never really taken any responsibility for my part in that. i spent so much time being hurt and sad and angry that he was essentially gone that i never allowed him to show me the new person he was becoming. i went to his and jacob's place about a week before they moved to spend some time with him and help him pack a little. he has this vase that he keeps all this bracelets and buttons and necklaces and stuff in and he dumped it out on the floor to go through it all. there on that carpet laid the past ten years of friendship. tokens of nights out and walks through stores and countless repeats of sex and the city. and for all the tears i cried when we said goodbye and he drove away, i realized that for him to live his life with jacob, he had to leave.

being unemployed has allowed me to do one thing, though. i've spent the past couple months redecorating my apartment and it's just about finished. when i decided to resign my lease, i knew that i needed a change. the place had been the same dark colors for almost four years and i was tired of living in a cave. sage green and dark cavern don't exactly make you wanna jump outta bed in the middle of february and start your day. so now the place is caribbean sea blue and chocolate sprinkle. i now have the gayest apartment in the building i'm sure but i haven't spent a full day in bed since i painted which was the goal. i'm also thinking of naming my apartment. something grand that truly conveys the destination spot that it is. i'm thinking of stealing the name from lolene's album that's coming out this summer - "the electrick hotel" - but i'd drop the k. "where are you headed after this?" "the electric hotel."

i guess the best part of this spring, though, is the fact that i'm still here. that i haven't quit. that for all that's been thrown at me these past few months, i'm still standing and ready for what's next.

fly

01 shout out louds - fall hard
02 val emmich - get on with it
03 grace potter & the nocturnals - i want something that i want
04 chairlift - bruises
05 jasmine ash - i wished for you
06 andrew belle - in your sleep
07 katie herzig - hologram
08 matthew perryman jones - breaking out the windows
09 matt hires - out of the dark
10 augustana - fire
11 sugababes - change
12 tyrone wells - sink or swim
13 train - parachute
14 gabriella cilmi - got no place to go
15 the kooks - she moves in her own way
16 onerepublic - good life
17 owl city - strawberry avalanche
18 lights - the listening
19 kate earl - learning to fly
20 maps - valium in the sunshine
21 passion pit - let your love grow tall

time battles

2010-03-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

it's funny how time can either crawl or fly by just like that. i've been in a heated argument with time for about as long as i can remember. wanting it to just get on with it or leave me the hell alone. i've never been content with things just progressing naturally and most of the time i'll look up and it's all but left me completely behind.

i have been in school for a little over a year now and i have a little over a year left. it's still all a little hard to believe that i'm still even in school, yet here i am just about to be a junior. things started out really well to be honest. i ended my first quarter with a 4.0 and i've maintained a pretty good gpa thus far although i haven't yet hit another 4.0 quarter. last quarter was brutal and my worst to date. again, proper time management has been elusive to me. the school-life balance has been difficult for me to figure out and i'm kinda wondering if i ever will.

at the moment i'm unemployed again. the place i was working just closed up shop. that's been interesting. it would seem like i've got all this time on my hands now and i should be putting it to good use. i decided it would be a perfect time to redecorate my apartment. the winters in chicago are notorious for being incredibly gray and living in apartment with such dark colored walls didn't really help me wanting to get out of bed in the morning. i went almost with the complete opposite of what i had and went with a brighter blue so now it feels like i'm in a swimming pool. it's been a little difficult finding myself in it though and everything is completely disorganized and feels out of place. i guess that's what comes with change though. you would think that by this time in my life i'd be used to it, but it never seems to be easy for me. my whole life has been about surveying the room and looking for something i'm used to; something comfortable. and now it doesn't even fell like i have that in my own apartment.

the apartment isn't the only thing that's been changing. my social life has been turned upside down and shaken up quite a bit as well. i've actually never had a large group of close friends. even in high school i stuck to two or three other people. a little bit before and when i finally moved to chicago it felt like i had finally found a group that i belonged with. maybe it was me projecting my "sex and the city" mentality on everything, but it honestly felt like i had found friends that i'd have forever. but time has been a bitch to me again. josh moved to thailand and then san francisco. mikey started dating someone and we haven't talked about anything non-superficial in months. i know that lives change and people change, but it feels like i've been left behind. or worse, it feels like i was just fooling myself into believing those connections were real in the first place. i miss feeling like i'm a part of something.

i've never been one to make friends easily and doing so at the age of almost thirty has been even harder. i haven't felt a connection to people. maybe it's that i've been so complacent about almost everything. maybe it's because everyone i've tried to be friends with just leaves me feeling like i'm the loser trying to hang out with the cool kids.

on top of it all, dt has re-entered my life. well, as much as he's ever been a part of my life. dt is the closest thing to a mr. big as i've gotten. totally unavailable and never there except when he wants to be. i actually couldn't think of a worse time for him to show back up and i don't even know why he has. i suppose i'll keep trying to make a connection with him until i finally get tired of trying like i always have before. i always get this idea of trying to start over with him. of a re-introduction that would make either being with him or being without him easier.

i guess to me, time is like a war. i've been fighting a losing battle with it for the longest time. once in a while it'll give me a break and i've been able to live in those breaks pretty well so far. i guess until the war is over i'll keep soldiering on even though the armor has always been a little heavy.

souldier 2: firebomb

01 angels & airwaves - hallucinations
02 the boxer rebellion - spitting fire
03 vampire weekend - giving up the gun
04 the myrmidons - clap (see the stars)
05 athlete - superhuman touch
06 kate earl - jump
07 ingrid michaelson - soldier
08 ali harter - you can keep 'em
09 the republic tigers - fight song
10 the kooks - sway
11 one eskimo - givin' up
12 mateo - bad romance
13 erik hassle - love me to pieces
14 adam lambert - sleepwalker
15 rihanna - fire bomb
16 daniel merriweather - red
17 the arcade fire - cold wind
18 athlete - the getaway
19 onerepublic - marchin' on

wet hot american summer

2009-10-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

so remember when you were younger and you'd start back at school in the fall and everyone would have all these stories of how amazing their summer was and all the things that they did and all you really had to say was that you watched a lot of tv and maybe went down to the community pool once or twice? or that your brother maybe put you into a garbage bag or locked you in the basement for a while? nothing exciting.

well, i think i finally was one of those people that had the amazing summer story. or maybe i just figured out a way to look at things in an "amazing summer" kinda way. either way, as it's now settling into the autumn season here in chicago, i figured it was finally time to sit down and share my little summer story.

unlike most students, I didn't have the summer off from classes. oh no, i had made the decision to spend the next two and a half solid years of my life in school. it was summer! time for the beach and drinking profuse amounts of alcohol. not time for books and tests. additionally, school was already becoming a pain in my ass. i was starting to wonder who the hell decides to go to art school when he's never had an art class in his life? i started to believe that people were just being nice when they told me i had a decent amount of skill. like when you ask people if they can tell you've put on fifteen pounds and they say, "of course not," even though it's written all over their faces. i wasn't feeling artistic at all.

the funny thing about this summer was that it never really felt like it started. chicago usually has three solid months of great weather. june, july and august. june kinda just appeared without any warning. there wasn't a time when the clouds opened up and let everyone know that it was summatime. it stayed pretty mild the whole thing through. i would've been fine with the mild weather had it also been sunny. but it wasn't really sunny that often either. but we kept on truckin'. making out barbeque plans and our holigay weekend plans. school didn't really put all that big a hinderance on things since i only had class three nights a week and it didn't seem like homework was that heavy. perhaps that added to me not really feeling all that much like a student. at the end of the quarter in july i had made plans to head south for my one week of vacation a year to spend it with the kentucky krush.

worst. plan. ever.

i have no idea who i went to see in kentucky, but he sure as hell wasn't the kentucky krush that was in chicago in january. i felt like an emotionally neglected wife from the moment i got there. perhaps i can be a bit needy sometimes. and these neediness is often accelerated when alcohol is added the the mix, but this was just a disaster. he was danny zuko and i was sandy, and this was definitely not summer lovin'. i can't say that i went to kentucky with any big expectations of what was going to happen, but i was hoping that he'd at least be excited to see me. and i'd like to say that it even exploded into something, but really i was the only one yelling and he just couldn't be bothered to even show anything at all. he couldn't even phone it in. on the day that i cut my planned eight-day trip short to four, i think he said a few sentences to me total and that was it. i haven't talked to him since.

i came back from kentucky and my friend picked me up at the train station and we ascended upon my apartment with two bottles of wine and sex and the city on the mind. the heartache reminded me of my early twenties so we indulged in the behavior of our early twenties. and i was glad that the kentucky krush was six and a half hours away. it made it a lot easier to get over it without having to worry that he could be lurking around any corner in the city. my friends were very supportive too. although even now it seems silly that i got so worked up over some kid that wasn't ever a huge part of my life anyway.

my birthday came and i spent the weekend ringing in twenty-nine by dancing it out like old times. there was a time when i could go out and dance from eleven to four in the morning on a saturday night. but in gay years, twenty nine is when doing things like that isn't really possible. or if it is, shouldn't be undertaken for fear of a straight-up shit show. and with everyone and their mother having a digital camera these days? it just gets scary.

the birthday weekend lead to meeting what i've fondly looked back upon as "the biggest mistake of the summer." and by fondly, i mean not fondly at all. if the kentucky krush debacle wasn't enough, i decided to pour some salt on the wounds and accept a date with a friend of friends. i ignored the fact that he was four years older than me and still had no aspirations beyond the bar manager job he had had for years. i ignored the fact that even all his friends told me it was a bad idea. and i ignored the fact that everything in my head was telling me no no no. but when had i ever listened to my head? and it was summer! i was dying for that summer fling.

and a fling it was. it didn't last more than a solid week and it, unsurprisingly, ended just as everyone had predicted it would. those butterflies in my stomach quickly took flight and left me with this feeling of contempt. i wasn't surprised. everything had always ended up like this. i also wasn't surprised that i left myself get sucked into the dramatics of it all. i was bound and determined to have that summer fling and if i wasn't going to get it, then i was for sure going to set fire to it. this little mishap partnered with the kentucky krush disaster still so fresh proved to be a little too much and so i drank. and drank. and drank some more.

all the love bumps and all the holigay weekends of pride and fourth of july and market days were turning me into a drunk. and what was worse, i had already realized it long before i figured out that it might be a problem. and i was a sloppy drunk at that. it's funny how a realization can hit you the minute you wake up in a bush.

a funny thing also happened during the last month or so of summer. i was starting to feel like an honest-to-god art student. i was getting the hang of the whole digital art thing and i was actually liking the whole process. and i finally knew that i was an artist when i got the whole can't breathe feeling when putting something up for a critique hoping that someone, anyone, would be able to tell that i had ripped out my heart and slapped it up there on the board for everyone to see.

it almost sounds like this summer sucked. it didn't. it was great, actually. i had a blast. i'm not always the best at relaying the stuff that didn't suck, but i'm working on that.

01 angels & airwaves - adventure

02 kid cudi f/ mgmt & ratatat - pursuit of happiness

03 little boots - new in town

04 kesha - tik tok

05 simian mobile disco f/ beth ditto - cruel intentions

06 la roux - bulletproof

07 yeah yeah yeahs - heads will roll

08 cobra starship - wet hot american summer

09 love grenades - genius of fun

10 gossip - heavy cross

11 ladyhawke - my delirium

12 dragonette - pick up the phone (richard x remix)

13 basement jaxx - raindrops

14 cute is what we aim for - time

15 stars of track and field - end of all time

16 quiet drive - into the ocean

17 switchfoot - mess of me

18 hayley williams - teenagers

19 brakesbrakesbrakes - oh! forever

20 the noisettes - never forget you

when you've had a better day than yesterday

2009-02-26T18:49:00.000-08:00

successfuly done with the first week of classes. actually, i was done yesterday but i was too tired to write anything. sadly, it wasn't fatigue from school. it was fatigue from being me. from obsessing about stupid shit and about every little other thing besides school. classes themselves were good. it's a little annoying that the one class i was most looking forward to (my two dimensional design class) is full of kids that really don't want to be there but i'm sure it'll get better as the weeks go by.

yesterday was beautiful. it's really beginning to feel like spring. it's been pouring all day today and it's supposed to be back to freezing weather this weekend, but at least i had yesterday. yesterday during the day it felt like my head was clear and focused. like things were going in the right direction even though i didn't exactly know what direction that is. usually i can judge what kind of day it'll be when i exit the backdoor of my apartment building. yesterday i opened that big metal door and the sunlight and warm air hit me in the face and things seemed like they were right.

today was just rain. and to be honest, i never left my apartment. it's at least not freezing because i've got the windows open. but the problem is is that i've got my head all open too. it's not focused on what it should be focused on and it's got all this other junk just swirling around in there. just not the stuff that it should have swirling around in there like school. it's got stupid crushes in there. i honestly hate dating. i hate every part of it. why? because i can go months and months and months of being completely okay with myself and being with myself. and then in pops this crush and all that goes to hell. i get obsessive and neurotic.

the worst is when it just feels like i might explode from all the crap racing through me. or when i just wanna light the fuse and blast off. because what do you do with that? i mean, it doesn't even really make sense.

maybe none of this really makes sense. actually, i think it does make sense. i think that feeling of wanting to blast off comes from wanting to be a blip on somone's radar. wanting someone to get even a fraction of the neurotic i get. wanting someone to understand that i want to be alone and together at the same time. that sometimes i'm so human that i could explode. someone to show a little fire for me. someone to show up in the pouring rain just to see how the first week of school went. to just show a little explosion of their own.

so human:

01. yeah yeah yeahs - zero

02. sohodolls - i'm not cool

03. cast of spring awakening - the bitch of living

04. phantom planet - do the panic

05. black kids - love me already

06. peter bjorn and john - let's call it off

07. lady sovereign - so human

08. hot chip - ready for the fall (smoothed out on an r'n'b tip version)

09. maria mena - sorry

10. maggie gyllenhaal - i can't wait

11. kelly clarkson - all i ever wanted

12. kate walsh - tonight

13. shivaree - i will go quietly

14. broken social scene - i'm still your fag

15. grizzly bear - on a neck, on a spit

16. lenka - trouble is a friend

17. belle & sebastian - the blues are still blue

fly around in circles

2009-02-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

it's almost amazing how sometimes you can go and royally screw everything up, isn't it? like, you were just truckin right along and all of a sudden you realize that everything around you in in almost complete chaos. what's worse is when you realize that you put yourself in that position.

i start school in less than a week. it seems like it's been forever i've been waiting for this to happen but now that it's here i'm doubting everything. what if i just screw it up again like i did ten years ago? what if i never find a damn job and i have to drop out and i lose my apartment and i end up even further in debt because i made this choice to go back to school? and what if i can't hack this accelerated coarse load and burn out before everything is said and done?

right now the only thing i know for sure is that i have entirely too much time on my hands. the first few weeks after not working i was still getting up early in the morning, still going about my day and still doing projects. now i'm lucky if i'm up before eleven and sometimes it's a major accomplishment to even shower and get dressed. i even lie and tell everyone that everything is great and i'm using my time to figure out what i want to do and how i'm going to handle school. what's worse is that in the past three days i've picked fights with both my mom and the kentucky krush for no reason whatsoever. my brain has been cycling through things non-stop and it's definitely starting to crack around the edges.

it's just that i always seem to get into this rut. this place where i feel like i'm always trusting my gut and always watching this go wrong because of it. where i let myself rip my heart right out and wear it out right on my sleeve and wonder why i always have so much damn dirty shirts. chasing after some idea or some feeling or some plan or some him.

i'm just waiting for that moment to come to me. that moment when the supporting character has this epiphany and realizes it's their time to spin off onto their own hour-long drama. when the decisions don't seem so hard to make and the self-doubt subsides. i think i just need to be so busy that my head slows down a little bit and has to focus on one thing at a time instead of a million different things whizzing around. and i need to clean my apartment. it's a wreck.

chasing pavements:

01. ani difranco - you had time

02. patrick park - something pretty

03. duffy - hanging on too long

04. duncan sheik - out of order

05. adele - chasing pavements

06. joseph arthur - even tho

07. pete yorn - same thing

08. aimee mann - little tornado

09. kate walsh - tonight

10. the weepies - old coyote

11. jeremy fisher - goodbye blue monday

it's all worth waiting for

2009-01-30T15:40:00.000-08:00

i met the kentucky krush about a year ago when he was here in chicago for a visit. he was in a relationship that was pretty complicated and tricky, but we somehow managed to stay in contact through facebook and instant messenger and texting and calling. i honestly never really thought we'd actually physically see eachother again, so it was a pleasant surprise when he told me that he'd be on vacation at the end of january and he was coming up to chicago again if i still wanted to spend time together.

i picked him up at the airport last saturday and we were together for a week. we didn't really do a lot of activities because it's been pretty ass-cold all week and i don't have a job to really pay for a lot of stuff. he assured me over and over that he really was just there to spend time with me and get to know me better and that he didn't care about doing this or doing that.

the whole thing was really simple actually. it all just felt really natural to me and nothing was forced and we just enjoyed eachothers' company. i loved having him here really. it was nice to have someone to talk to besides the cat. and he even tamed the him! that cat is mean to everyone and there he was rubbing up on his leg and letting him pet and play with him. he had me laughing the whole time and just wishing the week would go on forever and he wouldn't have to leave. kentucky krush is humble and gentle and sweet and funny and caring and somewhere in this week i fell for him. hard.

i found myself just relaxing and i really only got neurotic and in my head a few times, but i suppose that's natural. he was so easy-going the whole time.

the goodbye at the airport hurt. my stomach has been in knots all day and i miss him already. i have no idea what's going to happen now that our lives are going to go back to normal and we won't be together. my head says that things will move on and that'll be that, but my heart's all tied up around a boy that lives six hours away. and the only thing i want to do now is be back laying in bed with him where our bodies just fit together. the apartment feels extremely cold and lonely and it's killin me.

i suppose that this has all served as a reminder that there's still a heart beating in my chest after all and that i'm still able to fall for someone and not be so totally guarded. i wouldn't trade this past week to give up the knoted stomach at all though. i'd go through a lifetime of knoted stomachs to be with him.

back to me:
01. maria taylor - song beneath the song
02. seabird - falling for you
03. howie day - brace yourself
04. kings of leon - manhattan
05. black kids - hurricane jane
06. the kooks - sway
07. augustana - stars and boulevards
08. paul weller - thinking of you
09. rosie thomas - since you've been around
10. jon foreman - the cure for pain
11. maria taylor - time lapse lifeline
12. the all-american rejects - back to me
13. a fine frenzy - ashes and wine
14. linda ronstadt - kate
15. toad the wet sprocket - windmills
16. stereophonics - you're my star

i was always set to self-destruct though.

2009-01-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

so a lot can happen in a month. right now i feel like one of those tv show episodes where it picks up a month after it left off the previous episode and you have to solve the mystery of what happened off-screen in that month.

i didn't really intend to be "gone" for that long. it just kind of happened. it's snowing a little outside and it's really windy. one of those winds that just blows in every direction and it's just a mass of swirling white. i feel like that snow right now in this moment. just kinda loose out there trying to make it to the ground.

the holidays were a bit of a blur. they went really quick and i don't think that i even realized they were here and gone until a couple days ago. i've never liked christmas because bad things always seemed to happen around christmas in my family when i was younger. but this year i really did try to just enjoy it for what it was - time with my mom and my brother. unfortunately, my exhaustion from working so much caught up with me and we ended up arguing like we haven't in a long time. i picked fights and i don't even know why. the only thing i really do know is that it felt like i couldn't breathe the whole time. not literally, but mentally. emotionally. i just felt trapped the whole time.

new year's was ... interesting. i lost my job. right there on new year's eve. crazy, eh? maybe that's why i felt so out of it the whole month of december. because i maybe knew it was coming. the thought of thinking about it again now is exhausting. it was just stupid salon politics and when you're not the boss, you lose your job. sometimes when i try to wrap my head around it all, i forget that it really is just as simple as that. i had to stop thinking about it. what was i really expecting anyway? to start a revolution in the beauty industry? get real. that industry is fucked.

school, however, is going full-speed ahead. well, maybe not as "full-speed" as i'd like it to, but still chugging right along. a few days into january i was set up for my financial aid meeting and i really really really didn't wanna go. i didn't want to hear them tell me that there was no way i could go to school without having the money to pay for it. honestly, i was just terrified to be disappointed again by myself. i've figured out that's what i've been the most scared of this whole time. with everything. that i seriously can't stand to let myself down again.

it worked out though! because i'm older and listed as an independant, i got more free money. so, naturally, i just want to start now now now but the new quarter doesn't start until near the end of february. and i'll be going for two straight years, no breaks. what was that about exhaustion?

so now i'm just kind of in a waiting game. watching a lot of hgtv and food network and reruns of house on usa. the earlier seasons - i don't really care for the newer ones. lots of projects around the apartment too. i've repainted the bathroom window, deep-cleaned everything and even squeezed in a failed attempt to hook my ipod up to my tv.

so that's what happened in the month-long hiatus. it feels like so much less when it's written down doesn't it?

self-destruct buttons:
01. snow patrol - if there's a rocket, tie me to it
02. the republic tigers - fight song
03. lily allen - the fear
04. cary brothers - the last one
05. headlights - everybody needs a fence to lean on
06. bon iver - skinny love
07. the kooks - sway
08. jon foreman - the cure for pain
09. glass pear - last day of your life
10. the poems - ballad of a bitter end
11. the weepies - can't go back now
12. love and rockets - no new tale to tell
13. the bravery - believe

good intentions

2008-12-16T16:00:00.001-08:00

it's been a busy couple of weeks. i've been working on a few different projects for different people, so having much time for anything else has been a little difficult to come by. i'm a procrastinator, so the projects kind of just piled up and piled up and now i'm trying to cram everything in.

it's been snowing all day here. non-stop and it's really starting to stick. we're supposed to get about four inches, which i know isn't that much, but it's enough to send the city into a tizzy. traffic is horrible and the buses and trains are packed. what's funny is i don't really hate it as much i usually hate the first snow. snow has always meant that spring and summer are so far away. especially in chicago. but this winter is bringing new things with it. new outlooks on life and new experiences, so i'm kind of excited about it. i'm sure i'll be singing a different tune after two weeks.

i was home in milwaukee a couple weeks ago. it's funny how i refer to milwaukee as home even though i didn't grow up there. i lived there from the time i was twenty two until i was twenty six, so i figure i can claim it as home because i did a lot of growing there. as more time passes, though, i remember living there less and less. i guess that happens.

i ran into this guy that i briefly dated a long time ago and all these feelings and thoughts came rushing back to me. and i realized that i thought about it quite a bit, actually. and about how things had ended rather abruptly. i was in a very strange place in my life and didn't feel comfortable being in a relationship with anyone. at the time i don't really think he understood what i meant. even now i feel like i never should have let him go. but i know that i couldn't have faked what i was going through personally to be with a great guy. so when i saw him i felt compelled to tell him that i thought about him often and was happy to see that he looked happy. he said the same and like that one of my ghosts was released.

unfortunately i thought that trying to same process on a guy that i dated over the summer might have the same effects. actually, i'm lying. the summer guy was impossible. and i thought maybe that if i got the chance to say what i wanted to say all along, things would somehow change. that somehow the skies would open and that beam of light would finally fall on me and the angels would sing and he would finally realize that i was the one that he wanted to be with and he would stop being a jerk and apologize for wasting so much time. i would tell him that my often-dramatic outbursts weren't really all that dramatic because there were reasons for the behind it all. how i felt that whenever i was with him it felt like the last time i'd see him. how i tried to cram everything into those small moments of time because i always thought he'd be gone the next day for good.

the only response i got to that was "ahh." which is, in fact, a non-response. what does that even mean? i'll tell you what i means. nothing. it means nothing. it's not the response i wanted and it's probably not even the response that i needed to hear. but it is the response that i needed to give up. and that's what i've finally done. hopefully. but there's that small sliver of my heart still holding onto the image of us walking towards eachother in the driving snow and spending every moment from then on together. hey, a boy doesn't change overnight.

i guess what i mean by all of this is that sometimes those things just need to be said. sometimes they need to be said to the person you want to say them to and in a perfect world you're both left satisfied. sometimes you're not satisfied and that sucks. and sometimes you just need to say them to yourself and move the fuck on as hard as that can be. hopefully it'll change things in your head and give you a little peace and quiet.

also, i got accepted to school yesterday. huzzah!

now i just have to figure out a way to pay for it. all in good time.

when we're done soul searching:
01. audioslave - i am the highway
02. allred - a long december
04. maria taylor - song beneath the song
05. sarah mclachlan - witness
06. jon foreman - the cure for pain
07. unkle bob - swans
08. sia - i go to sleep
09. the cardigans - feathers and down
11. kanye west - street lights
10. thriving ivory - our december

take a chance you stupid ho

2008-11-26T06:27:00.000-08:00

so i officially applied for school on monday. i have to admit that it's probably one of the most terrifying things i've done in recent memory. in the twenty minutes that i waited to meet with an admissions councelor, it took everything i had to stay planted in the seat. a couple times i had to fight the urge to just throw my application and fee right at the desk and flee.

so many things could go wrong between now and then. i could maybe not get accepted. i never was a stellar student and once they recieve those high school transcripts, no matter how long ago it was, they'll know that. i still don't know how i'm even going to afford this whole venture. i can barely pay rent as it is and i get overwhelmed very easily. what's going to happen when i'm having to work fulltime and go to classes fulltime? and most importantly, what if i have absolutely no talent at all and i make a complete and total fool out of myself in front of a bunch of people ten years younger than me?

there's a sort of comfort in suffering, isn't there? a familiarity that i've settle into. going out and bettering myself doesn't come naturally and so the thought of moving out there into the unknown scares the shit out of me. the fact that it's taken me this long to do it is evidence of that. plus, i'm lazy. even now, writing doesn't come as naturally as it did years ago. it's slow and sluggish and doesn't flow like i imagine it to.

for all this, i'm still very excited. i want to start this new chapter. i want to get out of the salon, i want to move on. i'm desperate for something new. i need something new. the prospect of learning new things and meeting new people is something that i haven't had for a long time.

the new year is coming and changes are on their way. i haven't always been a fan of change, but now is different. now it's the only thing that's going to work. or i'll crash and burn but at least it'll be something different.

why are you standing in one place?:
01. the submarines - you, me and the bourgeoisie
02. the blue van - silly boy
03. lykke li - i'm good, i'm gone
04. jenny lewis - carpetbaggers
05. gwen stefani - what you waiting for?
06. the killers - read my mind
07. coldplay - life in technicolor 2
08. mgmt - kids
09. lykke li - breaking it up
10. the bravery - believe

just a little bit

2008-11-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

everyone knows that the cornerstone of the mixtape community is a healthy dose of angst. and at the heart of any angst worth having is the crush.

i like to think of myself as a little bit of a crush expert. the sweaty palms, the flushed cheeks, the stuttering - i get it all. there's truly a twelve-year old teeny-bopper school girl inside me. and in high school i had the tiger beat posters on the wall to prove it.

more often than not, these crushes go nowhere. the bar-crush moves on to another job; the bus-crush stops taking that route; you stop seeing your everywhere guy everywhere. the moments on tv where two strangers bump into eachother at the super market and fall in love doesn't happen. believe me, i've tried.

the worst crush, though, is the straight crush. all gay guys know one of their straight guy friends who indulges them in a little flirtation. it's great as long as you remember that flirtation is all it is. even if the guy is looking to do a little experimentation, it's prolly best to steer clear and let him try it on someone else. you'll either be left hurt because he'll realize that he truly is straight, or he'll figure out he's gay and everyone knows that things never work out with new gays.

it also sucks when you start finding out more about your crush. gays in chicago are plentiful. but it's also a little game of six degrees of seperation. everyone pretty much knows everyone through someone else. so it can sometimes happen that your crush is friends with someone you don't like. and we all know how that can taint a crush.

i love crushes, though. the excitment that you'll see them. the butterflies they cause. the "is he flirting or not?" questions. i love it all. dating, however, is a different story. i hate dating. dating isn't fun and i usually turn into that crazy-eyed-why-didn't-you-call-me?!-person. i don't really even know why. i hate talking on the phone.

on another note, school starts in february.

little bits:
01. matt duke - sex and reruns
02. the blue van - silly boy
03. colbie caillet - realize
04. matt wertz - everything's right
05. joshua radin f. ingrid michaelson - sky
06. lykke li - little bit
07. lenka - don't let me fall
08. meiko - boys with girlfriends
09. snow patrol - crack the shutters
10. james morrison - nothing ever hurt like you
11. kings of leon - sex on fire
12. love and rockets - no new tale to tell
13. lykke li - i'm good, i'm gone
14. sia - soon we'll be found
15. the weepies - all good things

someplace where all is clear

2008-11-10T20:02:00.000-08:00

i think the worst part of war is that you can often lose sight of the people that have been on your side from the beginning. sometimes you can feel so much pressure and so much hostility and negativity that it starts to feel like everyone is against you and there couldn't possibly be anyone who's there for you through it all.

i railed against the tv today while watching the view. (don't judge, you know you watch it too.) sherri shephard and her "it's in the bible that being gay is wrong" outta one side of her mouth and then talking about whoring around before she was married outta the other. it's all very hypocritical. if you're going to use parts of the bible in your defense of anything, you have to stick to everything. you can't just pick and choose.

sometimes i just feel so out of control, though, that i can't stop myself before hitting the brick wall. and even when i'm right, i often go blind to what i'm fighting for and about. its just hard to exhale when you're always trying to catch your breath.

i have an ally in the white house now and so going forward that's what i'm going to do. rather than always be focused on my opponents, i'm going to start identifying my allies. i think it's something we all should do a lot more of.

wondering through this life:
01. bonnie raitt - one belief away
02. roseanne cash - the world unseen
03. coldplay - lost!
04. the five stairsteps - ooh child
05. sheryl crow - always on your side
06. eliane elias - running
07. kt tunstall - white bird
08. tift merritt - broken
09. the blind boys of alabama - i shall not walk alone
10. joe purdy - wash away (reprise)

everybody's waiting for something better

2008-11-04T08:32:00.001-08:00

this morning i got up very early to go out and vote. it only took about forty minutes and when i got done there wasn't even a line anymore.

i'm not very political. any discussion that i get in about politics doesn't really last more than five or ten minutes in length and usually includes me declaring anyone who doesn't vote for barack a moron or a racist.

i know that that's extreme and i really just say it more for shock value. although i really do feel like race has played a large role in this campaign even though everyone has been tip-toeing aroud it. i feel like this election isn't just about change, it's about time. it's time that a minority was elected into the white house. it's time that some old white republican wasn't put in charge of everything having to do with my life. no, i'm not black. but it's time i was able to look at washington and see someone who i can identify with.

ultimately, this election isn't just about the two men running. it's about moving this country in a different and new and fresh direction. about moving this country into the present. how amazing is it that the people of this country have all come out and voted and campaigned like never before? it shows that people aren't just going to sit there and let the world pass them by. that we're going to demand more from the peope we elect into office and our positions of leadership.

i voted for barack because he can unite people. he inspires me. he's shown me that politics can be passionate and personal and dignified. that the american dream really does work. there really is a reason we don't all just pack up and move to canada.

it's a gorgeous day here in chicago and i can't help but believe that there's a reason for that. a reason that it's seventy degrees in november. (besides global warming.) there's almost this completely united feeling in the city today. something i really haven't felt in a while. there have been really tragic and horrible things going on over the past months and i really hope it's one of those "darkest before the dawn" situations. and i hope that come tomorrow there will be a new dawn on the horizon.

better things:
01. coldplay - life in technicolor
02. garbage - parade
03. john mayer - waiting on the world to change
04. sheryl crow - shine over babylon
05. holly williams - everybody's waiting for a change
06. nina simone - ooh child (nickodemus remix)
07. coldplay - viva la vida
08. sheryl crow - detours
09. snow patrol - take back the city
10. u2 - beautiful day

it's a mess. it's a start. it's a flawed work of art.

2008-11-02T20:53:00.000-08:00

i've never been good at prologues.

it's been a little over two years since i moved to the city. it still doesn't feel like i actually live here. i've always been bad with directions and i mainly stick to the streets that i know. the ones that get me from home to work or up and down the gay strip. i always tell myself that today i will seize the day and step out and get a grasp on the reasons i moved here. something always seems to come up though and i'm left just coasting. don't get me wrong, i do love this city. it did take me a while, but i really do love it now.

i dated a few different boys in the past two years here. mostly the wrong ones that turned out to be assholes. one or two that just seemed to never be in the same book as me let alone on the same page. life is like that though, i suppose. it's probably because i base too much of my life on television. and because i make too many mixtapes. they're really mix cds, but mixtapes sounds more endearing. or cliché. probably the latter. i can barely go to the bathroom without my ipod. people at work love it. i think boys i like think it's weird. i refuse to give up on the dream of making that grand gesture while a snow patrol song plays in the background though. i know it's out there.

tomorrow i will force myself to go look at a school. i don't even know what i'm dragging my feet for. school is step one in realizing my dream of becoming a work-from-home freelancer. i still don't exactly know what that means but it's more appealing than another year at the salon. i do know for sure that the 'grand-gesture-snow-patrol' dream won't happen until i'm out of there at least. or maybe it will. you never know when those moments can happen. that's the glory of the grand gesture.

the cat got a bath today. after it, he jumped out of the tub all soaking wet and just looked thoroughly miserable. "it's a new day, trick," i said. school tomorrow and i'm not sure what after that. claiming life seems like a good place to start.

flawed works of art:
01. joshua james - today
02. republic tigers - buildings & mountains
03. ingrid michaelson - be ok
04. matt duke - sex and reruns
05. emiliana torrini - big jumps
06. lenka - the show
07. joshua radin f. patty griffin - you got growing up to do
08. ben folds f. regina spektor - you don't know me
09. chairlift - bruises
10. snow patrol - take back the city